Back in January I was scared out of my wits when facing my class 5 driving test. I ended up locking myself out of my car 1 hour before the test so I never made it there to begin with. But I can't forget having nightmares about driving into a ditch, or crashing into a bus, or running over pedestrians. Every time I think about taking that driving test, I can only imagine disasters.
Yet, whenever I take the wheel, I feel completely in control. I almost immediately relax and look ahead on the road with confidence. So why is it that when I think about driving, I freak out, but never have I lost control while actually behind the wheel?
Back in my teenage years I wrote about how time seems fast and slow to me at different times in the year. Recently, I've experienced this odd feeling where I feel like time passes by slowly, and I want it to pass by more quickly, but at the same I want to be at this point in time forever. The contradictory feeling of being not completely satisfied with the stage of my life and wanting more, combined with the uncertainty and perplexity that my life right now is probably the best I can ever have: free house, free food, stability, privileged, low risk. I want to be 21 forever, but I also want to be 22 and better, and 23 and even better off.
Age is really just numbers, but society has put so much meaning into these numbers.
So is there something wrong with me if I'm not happy, free, confused and lonely?
I had a conversation with a friend and he complained to me that he hasn't been able to find a good book recently; on one hand he's fed up with sappy teenage story, on the other he's not ready to dive into the life problems that adult fiction overstates. So where do we fit in? Where's a book for a 21 year old with tens of thousands of dollars in student loans and an uncertain future? A future that everyone promises to be magical and dream-fulfilling, but could easily be as mundane as Dilbert's cubical life.
The new found freedom of the 20's to me is this weird vacuum where I'm supposed to have reached a stage of some sort, a huge milestone, one that I have been looking forward to since 16: enough money to go to New York without parents, car to myself, no one nagging about my clothes, enough confidence to tell gossipy hater to go away. But it feels more like, 'now what'. Should I own more make up now? Should I have had many boyfriends? A huge closet? A collection of lingerie? A travel diary filled with exotic photos? A trip to Vegas where I burn money on chances?
Then I realize this whole concept of age thing is bogus. Maybe it made sense for puberty, because that biological change is unstoppable. But there's no reason I can't live the rest of my life in whatever order I like. I don't have to have kids before I'm 30, or even before 40. If I can't have kids naturally I can always adopt, have a surrogate mother, even giving birth after 40 is possible with modern medicine. I don't have to marry and live the rest of my life with the father of kids. I don't have to have 1 career; I can have 5, or 6. I don't have to have a cubicle job. I don't have to buy a house at 30. I can travel the world now, or at 60. I don't have to get my degrees now; I can do it when I'm 30 and wiser. This whole idea that one's 20's is the most important time is outdated. Every age is important; it's never too late or too early to start things. Sure, if I start gymnastics at 40 I probably can't bend over my back like a 10 year old, but that won't stop me from trying and enjoying it.
So for now, I won't freak out about society telling me to get a job at 22 and making the right career choice right now. It's probably like the feeling I have about driving. I might have nightmares about being unemployed and useless, but once I am driving my future, I would feel in control, empowered, able.
Yet, whenever I take the wheel, I feel completely in control. I almost immediately relax and look ahead on the road with confidence. So why is it that when I think about driving, I freak out, but never have I lost control while actually behind the wheel?
Back in my teenage years I wrote about how time seems fast and slow to me at different times in the year. Recently, I've experienced this odd feeling where I feel like time passes by slowly, and I want it to pass by more quickly, but at the same I want to be at this point in time forever. The contradictory feeling of being not completely satisfied with the stage of my life and wanting more, combined with the uncertainty and perplexity that my life right now is probably the best I can ever have: free house, free food, stability, privileged, low risk. I want to be 21 forever, but I also want to be 22 and better, and 23 and even better off.
Age is really just numbers, but society has put so much meaning into these numbers.
We're happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time- Taylor Swift, 22
It's miserable and magical.
[...]
But I'm feeling 22
So is there something wrong with me if I'm not happy, free, confused and lonely?
I had a conversation with a friend and he complained to me that he hasn't been able to find a good book recently; on one hand he's fed up with sappy teenage story, on the other he's not ready to dive into the life problems that adult fiction overstates. So where do we fit in? Where's a book for a 21 year old with tens of thousands of dollars in student loans and an uncertain future? A future that everyone promises to be magical and dream-fulfilling, but could easily be as mundane as Dilbert's cubical life.
The new found freedom of the 20's to me is this weird vacuum where I'm supposed to have reached a stage of some sort, a huge milestone, one that I have been looking forward to since 16: enough money to go to New York without parents, car to myself, no one nagging about my clothes, enough confidence to tell gossipy hater to go away. But it feels more like, 'now what'. Should I own more make up now? Should I have had many boyfriends? A huge closet? A collection of lingerie? A travel diary filled with exotic photos? A trip to Vegas where I burn money on chances?
Then I realize this whole concept of age thing is bogus. Maybe it made sense for puberty, because that biological change is unstoppable. But there's no reason I can't live the rest of my life in whatever order I like. I don't have to have kids before I'm 30, or even before 40. If I can't have kids naturally I can always adopt, have a surrogate mother, even giving birth after 40 is possible with modern medicine. I don't have to marry and live the rest of my life with the father of kids. I don't have to have 1 career; I can have 5, or 6. I don't have to have a cubicle job. I don't have to buy a house at 30. I can travel the world now, or at 60. I don't have to get my degrees now; I can do it when I'm 30 and wiser. This whole idea that one's 20's is the most important time is outdated. Every age is important; it's never too late or too early to start things. Sure, if I start gymnastics at 40 I probably can't bend over my back like a 10 year old, but that won't stop me from trying and enjoying it.
So for now, I won't freak out about society telling me to get a job at 22 and making the right career choice right now. It's probably like the feeling I have about driving. I might have nightmares about being unemployed and useless, but once I am driving my future, I would feel in control, empowered, able.
Exactly my feeling! The feeling which I hope will always be present no matter how old I am.
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