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Showing posts from March, 2018

fleetingly

Toronto still exists in my mind as a place of happy moments. I remember sitting in the living room of the small apartment on Seaton street, watching autumn leaves glow in the dust of tender sun. A warm colour palette. That's when I realized I want an apartment to myself so I can watch the world go by without being part of it. A need for isolation. Something I never thought I'd need. I also remember relaxing in an armchair with a cat on my lap - an image I never thought would appeal to me. But there I was, peaceful and relaxed, taking a break from my real life. I could convince myself that I wanted a life like that more, even though I was only borrowing a few moment of someone else's life. I imagined it in my head, that this could be my world. So now when I think of Toronto, I still feel that warmth, peace, and contentment that was never reliable. The city holds a lot of disappointment for me. It could be a great city. Rapid train lines connecting a vast area of many...

flashback

It's 11:40 pm and I was in bed, warm and soft, when suddenly a vivid image crossed my mind. It was a late summer night on the 20 bus and I was sitting in the back on one of the seats facing sideways. Why was it the 20? Where was I going up and down Victoria Drive? It must have been when we still lived on Perry Street and Sergio still lived on 35th, which would be the only reasons I would be on the 20. Across from me were a couple in their 20s probably. Something about their embrace exuded such warmth and intimacy that I just sat there in awe, envious of their love. I had wished that I would also find a love like such, or like what I imagined their love to be at that time. That short encounter gave me no facts, only my own imagination of what love looks like and feels like. Two relationships after, I think I've made peace with love for now. I don't hate love. Love doesn't suck. It doesn't ruin my life. It is a strong feeling that takes me out of control, but also ...