Behind Cut

Recently, I finished this movie, "Behind Cut", about an aspiring fashion designer and a delivery boy. Something about the movie really clicked with me, and it felt like by chance, I've been given a message to reflect on my life.

The movie repeats a few times the symbol of a signal light at an intersection. Being a transportation engineer, I look at these things all the time at work. But in the context of this movie, the signal symbolizes moments in life where you can make a decision to go or stop. Yes, the light is telling you to go or not, but it's still your decision. 

In one scene, the boys talk about how they're stagnant in life and they don't know what their next steps would be. The fashion designer, Ji Kin, is still uncertain about how to make a brand for his design. The delivery boy, Yeong Woo, feels like he doesn't have any opportunities do anything different. 

Later in the movie, Ji Kin struggles to decide whether he should take the chance to go to New York and build his brand there. Here we see him breaking down at an intersection, while the green light turns on.

He got the chance to take a step, but he wasn't ready, and he didn't feel that he owned that chance.

How many times in my life have I been given an opportunity, but wasn't ready, then later on, when I was ready, the opportunity is no longer there? There were guys that I enjoyed spending time with, but I wasn't ready to commit, so I let the chance to build a relationship slip away. Then there were times I believed in my abilities, was very prepared and worked really hard to be in the placed I wanted to be, but never got the choice to go with what I wanted. Another time, I didn't think I was good enough to make a change, and wasted one or two years before I stood up and took the chance. I feel a deep sympathy for Ji Kin and Yeong Woo. Sometimes the timing just doesn't work out, and it's not enough to have the path laid out ahead of you, but also the mental readiness to take it.

And no matter how I reasoned it, worked it out logically, tried to convince myself, I just wasn't ready when I wasn't. It's simple as that. Something about our mental power is still a mystery for me. Why do I feel strong and capable sometimes, but shy and scared at others?

The one time in recent years that I can remember, when the opportunity and the readiness matched perfectly, was around this time last year. I remember going for a walk at night after making up my mind. The sky opened up in front of me, even when it's dark and impenetrable. But I saw the stars, the large clouds. I felt a sense of freedom and empowerment. 

I don't think many of us have that privilege to have both happen so much in our lives. Maybe we have a few good opportunities, and a few good moments when we feel confident that we're ready. And to have both of those occurring at the same time - that is luck. I hope I get a few more moments like that; even if my readiness is just an illusion, at least it would empower me to take a risk, take a step. I only hope that I continue to improve myself so that I would be more ready for the future. The next time something comes up, I want my brain to say to myself, 'I am ready for this challenge and I can take it on.'

At the end of the movie, Ji Kin and Yeong Woo found that perfect timing, and they crossed the road.