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transience

 


Recently I heard a youtuber (here be barr) describe New York as a "transient" place. Not many people, especially young people, who move to New York decide to, or can, stay for a long time. They live in the big city for some years, then after experiencing the hype, parties, concerts, or whatever they wish, they move away to buy a house, get married, have children...
That made me think about how transient all my life has been. Each city I move to, each apartment I move into, each job I'm offered, is a transient place. My goal has never been to hold onto any of those things, but rather to jump to the next. Which is why I never feel like I belong anywhere, but also I don't have homesickness because the definition of 'home' is so fleeting. 
There are feelings that resemble being home. Like on the days I have no upcoming deadline or appointment, I just do nothing and stay indoors. Or like when I am so self-confident that I leave work until the last minute knowing I will definitely get it done, then I just throw all care out the window and just enjoy being in one spot. On my bed or in my chair surfing the web with no purpose.
This current state I'm in is transient. Tomorrow I will have already moved on, whether or not I want to. Regardless of how terrible I feel today, I will feel a little different tomorrow. My periods of over-confidence fade, but also my periods of low self-esteem. And so the cycle continues, but I do feel the fluctuations mellow out as I get older. Or maybe I'm just better at surfing them.
There is a joy and liberation with thinking of life this way. Although it is so different from the values I was taught (get a government job, collect your pension, buy real estate!) I do feel a lot more free to explore things. I am so curious about so many different things now, compared to a year ago, and I look forward to tomorrow more, even when I'm going through a slump and don't have motivation. Another day means another new thing I learn, or another trip to an area of the city I had never gone to. My life feels like it's moving forward, not stuck.
So now I see that transience is a necessary part of moving forward. It can be true if I move backwards too, but let's hope that doesn't happen to me haha! I'm enjoying today, sunny and warm at Woodbine beach reading a new favourite book. Tomorrow I won't be able to do those things but I will enjoy doing other things as well.

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