Skip to main content

forward

(originally posted on 3/2/2013)

I bid stability goodbye as I push myself forward. The snow is powdery and crispy as the winter sun. My feet are shaking; my fingers sore from unintentionally clutching the pole for so long. I look down. I see that white thin trail spread in front of my vision, intertwining with the dark green land of mystery that I cannot explore just yet. But my eyes are not enough to keep me going forward; my ears are open for the sound of the wind gushing around me, signalling a safe turn. I want to stop, but I keep going forward. I let go of myself and leap. Leap ahead. My body is moving faster than myself.

I see the world open up, swallowing me into its own physical laws. I don't want to stop, though my brain is screaming for control. My feet bounce unexpected as I hit a mogul and a shot of electricity spikes up my spine. I kiss the ground again. It pushes me forward even faster. My tummy jumps. Friction is lost, but I don't want to slow down.

Frozen flakes hit my face, blistering my soft skin. I feel my lips freezing but I sweat instead. The trail continues to unfold, seemingly endless. Then it suddenly comes to halt; I cannot see what's beyond the horizon. My body twists in anticipation with eyes open wide seeking for the next. I think of the sparkling tree tops, the snow that's cradling me from underneath, how fast the world moves. Why do I feel out of control, as if everything's leaving me behind? I am racing against something. Gravity? Time? Myself? I do not have a goal but I don't want to stop. It is the feeling of moving, the power of motion, the joy of movement.

In my head, 'keep going.'

Then I abruptly turn and come to a stop. Looking up to the mountain, I marvel its beauty.



Comments

Popular posts from this blog

The Painted Door - Sinclair Ross (from personal journal)

(Originally posted on 10/1/2009) ( Footsteps in snow. S orry, can't find the photo taken by Wayne R. Bilenduke that was printed in my book. Alternative photo.) I think this is by far the story I have to spend the longest time reading. Mr. Guraliuk was right, this is a very sleep-inducing "short" story. "It goes on and on and on and on… like forever". But, paradoxically, that's what makes it such a brilliant short story. When you read Sinclair Ross's lines, you feel cold. You can imagine the coldness of hard window glass pressing against your fingers as you look out to the freezing white snow-covered endless landscape and long for the person you love to arrive. You can feel your eyelids heavy as you watch the time go by; your heart heavy with sadness and loneliness but still not letting go of that weak hope, the only hope that keeps you still alive amidst the brutal coldness of winter. Of course if you've never been through a cold, white and l...

so yesterday

If it's over, let it go and Come tomorrow it will seem So yesterday, so yesterday  - Hilary Duff Such a bittersweet teenage song. I remember the days I was still lipsyncing to Hilary Duff in my bedroom in Vietnam. I was 13 or 14 then, fantasizing I was a Disney star. So yesterday. As a teenager, I found it hard to understand how I felt about many things. Reading back some of my diary pages, I sounded over-sentimental, whiny, hyper, unstable, confused. Perhaps when I am 30 I will think of myself now the same way. But growing up, particularly for me, the biggest challenge was saying goodbye to the things I am used to. I had to learn how to embrace things as they last and not cry when they were over. Saying goodbye isn't easy, and moving in life isn't a breeze. This summer I felt this odd sensation of wanting time to stop, but at the same time wishing it would past faster. For a good chunk of this year I doubted myself in everything, and pushing myself to move on fr...

Numbers

After this academic term, which I call the worst academic term since I was born (for various reasons), I have come to the conclusion that this is how my teachers give me marks. I have done well in courses I know I am pretty incompetent in, and done badly in courses I know I am pretty competent in. As I move up to more advanced math courses, I start to realize the divergence of 'math' and 'numbers'. In the courses I took this term, statistics is the 'mathy' course most concerned with numbers. There is an entire field dedicated to numbers because it is so mysterious - seriously. “Statistics are like bikinis. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.” ―  Aaron Levenstein How do you know when you look at a set of data if there is a pattern or not, and if there is a pattern, if it is significant or not. Even just looking at my marks this term, I cannot compare them to last term, because the two set of data are different in fundamental ...