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Unexpected late nights

This Easter weekend I cancelled most of my social plans. Vivan's birthday party, Sally's baking date, Sailbot work party... Being stuck indoors made me realize how slow the world goes when I am not moving.
This term I've worked really hard, but I've barely shown up. A lot of the work, Safewalk, job-hunting, textbook reading, data crunching,... happens outside regular hours. Keeping myself together is also a part-time job! I've cut out completely window shopping and real shopping from my schedule. I am saturated with stuff and completely clean of money. That definitely helps me stay home.
I've also been hit by waves of exhaustion. The kind when my body just shuts down for a day or two, and I sleep for hours without feeling enough. I try to forget that I can only do so much, and keep pushing for a little more until I can't any further.
So I thought my weekend was going to be shut in anti-social loneliness, but at 9 pm on Monday, me and Zak and his friend, Benjamin all went out to Duffin Donuts. In the later hours of the end of the long weekend, we goofed around, talked about Ex Machina, politics, about people and things that we've heard. I had never met Ben before and I barely see Zak, but they make me feel comfortable so quickly.
Lately I feel like I've been swimming against the current. I am so anxious to get things done, get a job, build connection, maintain a job, have a social life, stay committed. I don't know what's ahead of me when I graduate later. Last year I felt like I had everything figured out - and that'd be great. But I'm heading towards my mid-twenties and this feeling of overwhelming uncertainty that I had when I was in my late teens come crashing back in. Clearly I'm not alone. The one consolation I have is that I haven't felt bored in a long time. I've felt tired, exhausted, elated, deflated, motivated and confused all together, but not bored. There's always been something I look forward to.
A friend also reached out to me this weekend saying his on-and-off relationship is once again off. I always wanted the best for him, but I've seen him the happiest and the saddest with the same person, so I can only believe that he'll make the right decision eventually. Why don't we have the answers?
And throughout this all chaos, I miss Christopher. I still get a tinge in my eye every time I think of him, and that he's not here. It's been so long since we said goodbye, but it still felt like yesterday.

Cause sometimes things
Just don't turn out
As you meant for
And that's what
Late night city lights
Are there for
- MØ


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