If it's over, let it go and
Come tomorrow it will seem
So yesterday, so yesterday
- Hilary Duff
Such a bittersweet teenage song. I remember the days I was still lipsyncing to Hilary Duff in my bedroom in Vietnam. I was 13 or 14 then, fantasizing I was a Disney star.
So yesterday.
As a teenager, I found it hard to understand how I felt about many things. Reading back some of my diary pages, I sounded over-sentimental, whiny, hyper, unstable, confused. Perhaps when I am 30 I will think of myself now the same way. But growing up, particularly for me, the biggest challenge was saying goodbye to the things I am used to. I had to learn how to embrace things as they last and not cry when they were over.
Saying goodbye isn't easy, and moving in life isn't a breeze. This summer I felt this odd sensation of wanting time to stop, but at the same time wishing it would past faster. For a good chunk of this year I doubted myself in everything, and pushing myself to move on from those feelings was a challenge. But maybe I was successful in learning how to not get hung over on things, or hung over on memories that are now memories.
I remember writing to myself as a 17 year old that regret is the worst feeling. I am not too sure that is a correct statement - there are surely worse feelings. But I remember why I was so afraid of feeling regret, and how that changed me as a person. I still have regrets nowadays, but it is no longer my worst fear.
I find myself recording more of my life - writing about my feelings each day or each month - because I realize my 16 or 17 year old had a lot to tell me now, which is helpful for me now. In a time where I can't talk to anyone about my feelings because I can't find the words to, I find myself my best friend. That is good - I certainly don't want to my own worst enemy.
This is the first time in my life that I feel this confident, self-assured and beautiful, and I hope I won't lose sight of that no matter what I face in the future.
Come tomorrow it will seem
So yesterday, so yesterday
- Hilary Duff
Such a bittersweet teenage song. I remember the days I was still lipsyncing to Hilary Duff in my bedroom in Vietnam. I was 13 or 14 then, fantasizing I was a Disney star.
So yesterday.
As a teenager, I found it hard to understand how I felt about many things. Reading back some of my diary pages, I sounded over-sentimental, whiny, hyper, unstable, confused. Perhaps when I am 30 I will think of myself now the same way. But growing up, particularly for me, the biggest challenge was saying goodbye to the things I am used to. I had to learn how to embrace things as they last and not cry when they were over.
Saying goodbye isn't easy, and moving in life isn't a breeze. This summer I felt this odd sensation of wanting time to stop, but at the same time wishing it would past faster. For a good chunk of this year I doubted myself in everything, and pushing myself to move on from those feelings was a challenge. But maybe I was successful in learning how to not get hung over on things, or hung over on memories that are now memories.
I remember writing to myself as a 17 year old that regret is the worst feeling. I am not too sure that is a correct statement - there are surely worse feelings. But I remember why I was so afraid of feeling regret, and how that changed me as a person. I still have regrets nowadays, but it is no longer my worst fear.
I find myself recording more of my life - writing about my feelings each day or each month - because I realize my 16 or 17 year old had a lot to tell me now, which is helpful for me now. In a time where I can't talk to anyone about my feelings because I can't find the words to, I find myself my best friend. That is good - I certainly don't want to my own worst enemy.
This is the first time in my life that I feel this confident, self-assured and beautiful, and I hope I won't lose sight of that no matter what I face in the future.
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